A loud shriek was now heard from Venus' apart ment. "My girdle, my beautiful cestus," cried the lovely divinity on discovering the disappearance of that ornament which was the more unaccountable, by the way since it had been carefully clasped round her waist on retiring to bed the night previous-which gave the before mentioned gossips occasion to say-but that is mere scandal and goes for nothing, besides robbers are very daring fellows. Cupid poor Cupid was sobbing for his bow and arrows and clinging in his infantine grief to his mothers side asking what had become of them. Juno was treating Jove to an Olympian dose of Caudle for disturbing her night'srest in so unseasonable a manner. The only one of the Immor putable manner, beating a New York b'hoy all hollow, both in the originality of his expressions and the volubility of his utterance. Add to which, it was all done in pure Greek, and, let me assure you, it is a very difficult matter to swear in pure Ionic; and if you doubt the fact, I refer you to one Mr. Homer, who gives the whole matter in blank verse. After nearly exhausting himself in this way, he flew at his servant, abused him in a shocking manner-the man gave warning the next morning-and then wound up by kicking him out of the establishment, with strict orders never to show his face again until he had secured the vagabond dead or alive and got back the property. This feat performed-that is, the kicking the Thunderer threw himself into an arm-chair, thoroughly exhausted, and whilst reco-tals who came off scatheless was the goddess of vering himself from his indecent rage, in hobbled Vulcan, looking pale, even through his soot. "Look here, Jove," cried he, "I'm not going to stand this." "What's the matter now?" said Jove rather surlily, for Vulcan was a litigious fellow and perpetually appealing to Jove to settle his disputes -for which the latter despised him heartily; however, as he was useful in some respects, and was, moreover, a poor cripple unable to take his own part, there was some excuse for him. "Why," stammered Vulcan humbly, for he always was afraid of Jove, and doubly so when he was angry, "why, some chap broke into my forge last night and walked off with my best bellows and a new anvil." "What do I care for that?" said Jove, testily. "Begad, you'll get no more thunderbolts until they're found," was the reply, which rather nonplussed Jupiter; but before he could answer, in burst Mars in his usual impetuous way. "Look'ee here, old boy. By the beard of Pharaoh (a favorite objuration of Mars, by the way), some infernal blackguard broke into the guard-house last night and stole my sword." By this time all the establishment was aroused, and on hearing of the misfortunes of the three firstnamed deities, commenced an investigation of their respective household goods, and soon loud outcries were heard on all hands. Hercules complained of the disappearance of his club, but not being a talkative fellow, he only clenched his ponderous leg of mutton fist, and inwardly vowed that, if he ever caught the fellow, he would'nt polish him off Oh no! He would lick him into a mummy, not a bit, accompanied with insane smacks of his right fist into his left palm as if the latter were the thiefs head and that was in Chancery. Wisdom; thanks to a patent Chubbs lock on the door and as Mr. Hobbs was not born then the goddess escaped. Minerva quietly walked in and learning the cause of all the hubbub, gave one knowing wink and retired. In the midst of all breathless with haste, to inform the tumultuous whilst lurking in one of the crannies of the mounassembly that a detective had nabbed the covey, tain, and had seized him with the property in his possession. Jove cried out, and the Gods, recalled thereby to a proper sense of dignity, assumed their respective seats, and presently, sure enough, in walked a policeman with a remarkably good look. ing youth in charge, with a second following bearing the stolen property. Entirely unabashed at his disgraceful position, the prisoner gazed around at the august concourse there present with a jaunty self-satisfied air, that bespoke excessive impudence and forwardness, nay he even had the audacity to wink at Venus much to Vulcan's disgust. The case was immediately gone into, the property proved, and the testimony of the police. man who had caught him with the various articles in his possession was taken down. The evidence was clear, his guilt was apparent, and he was unanimously found guilty. Nothing remained but to pass sentence. Being asked as to what he had to say for himself he replied nothing. Jove then asked whence he came, who he was, his birth, parentage &c. the commotion in rushed one of the Dii minores "Ladies and Gentlemen," said the youth bowing courteously around. "My name is Mercury. The author of my being is the illustrious father of Gods and men before whom I now have the honour to stand." "And pray," interrupted Juno, "who was your mother?" "Shut your potatoe trap, my dear," said Jove quickly, for he was decidedly alarmed at the turn events were taking. "Never mind your mother, sir, but tell us what induced you to commit this offence." Ladies and Gentlemen," said the prisoner bowing courteously again, "my object was to obtain an introduction to each and all of you. Being perfectly destitute in the world I considered that such an adventure would create a sensation and perhaps something might turn up out of it for my benefit." "Infernal scamp," muttered Mars, "he ought to be tried by a drum-head court martial, and get six dozen for his pains." old Vulcan limped off last with his anvil under one arm, and his bellows under the other, and all was peace and quietness again. The only article remaining was Neptune's trident, which lay in the middle of the floor. During all this turmoil in heaven, affairs on earth had passed unnoticed, but now it was apparent that there was a tremendous row going on below. Neptune, on finding his trident missing in the morn ing, had also kicked up a most tremendous shindy -foaming with rage, he summoned all his monsters and bid them search for it high and low, and when the trident was not forthcoming, he raised such a tempest as had not been known "He's far too good-looking for a thief," sighed since the days of Deucalion and Pyrrha. The Venus pityingly.. Juno vented her spleen loudly and vindictively but all to no purpose. Jove's conscience smote him for neglecting poor Maia, and he determined to adopt her offspring thus unexpectedly brought to his notice, and more especially as the affair after all was a venial one, and he wished to spite Juno. Therefore addressing the culprit, he expressed himself in very strong language on the impropriety of playing such tricks on respectable people, to all of which the prisoner appeared to pay respectful attention. "Nevertheless," said he, "in consideration of your youth and misfortunes, and this being your first offence, you are pardoned." Here Mars swore audibly, but the clerk cried order, and Jupiter proceeded to say, that to relieve his necessities, he would take him into his service. "And here," said he, "is a cap with wings for your head and a pair for your feet, and a small taste of bowie knife in case you might ever be in danger. So now the court is closed, and let each one take his property." Saying which, he picked up his bolts, and let fly right and left, to see they were in proper order. Venus, frightened to death at the lightning, clasped her girdle round her waist, and hurried off with Cupid to get breakfast. The Latter wanted to have a shot at Mercury, for he was not at all satisfied at the result of the proceedings. Love, when injured, is always spite ful. Mars drew his sword, and flourished it two or three times round his head until Heaven, and earth too, rang with alarums of war, and then stalked indignantly out of the assem bly room, abusing Jove for his partiality, and indeed in half an hour after Jupiter did receive a message from him by a shooting star whom Mars had appointed his second, but nothing came of it. Apollo followed to join Venus's dejeuner, which were usually rather recherches affairs; and very whales and tritons trembled at the violence, and the manes of the seahorses harnessed to his chariot, stood on end with fright. The sea rose and swallowed up whole cities--one would have thought the very earth itself was to be entirely submerged under the fierce waves. Unhappy mortals thronged the temples of the gods, frantic with fear and expecting instant death. Jove's temper, none of the best at any time, was rather flurried by this disturbance, so calling his newly made messenger to him, he bid him restore the trident to its owner. "Tell him," he added, "to keep his temper and let his hair grow; people cannot be disturbed in this manner for the loss of an old pitchfork. Such rage is highly indecorous-away with you." Like a flash of light Mercury vanished, and soon arrived in the presence of the old seagod. Presuming on Jupiter's protection he alighted on the edge of old Neptune's chariot, and handing him the missing Trident, with a polite bow, he said, "Here, sir, is your pitchfork back again, and my royal master, your august brother, Jupiter the Thunderer desires me to say that you must not kick up any more noise. He says it is highly indecorous, and you must not disturb him, for he is at breakfast. So now, old boy, mens tuus ego, or you'll come to grief. Do you hear?" "Eh what?" stammered Neptune, perfectly aghast at the excessive impertinence of this address. "By Nox and Erebus, what's this? Confound you, you rascal, how did you get my trident? Who are you? Where do ye hail from, you snipejack? What's Jove to you or you to him, I'd like to know." "Snipejack, sir," quoth Mercury, rather nettled. "Keep your temper, you old hippopotamus. I am Jove's servant and messenger, I'd have you to know, and you'd better mind what I've just told you." "Make sail out of that," roared Neptune," or I'll freshen your nip at the gangway, you loafer, to teach you better manners on my quarter deck. I'll lash you to one of my monsters, and give you a saltwater dip you won't relish. I'il anchor you a thousand fathoms deep in sea-slime. I'll fix your flint, you—” "Shut up, you tow-headed old Marlingspike," was the poli ́e rejoinder, who cares for you." I'll tell you what I'll do for you: I'll people your dominions with mortals. I'll teach you civility, my old salt. I'll bring poor miserable men to navigate your hitherto unknown realms. I'll have ships sailing in all directions over your seas. You the god of the sea! I'll make your waves the highroad for the nations of the earth, so that you shall be afraid to show your face on the surface unless, indeed, you come disguised as a sea serpent for men to have a nine days' wonder. That's what I'll do. A fig for you." And having thus finished this elegant harangue, Mercury snapped his fingers in derision of the old god, and holtled whistling "Rule Britannia," with variations, as he went, and leaving old Neptune with mouth and eyes wide open, perfectly astounded at his insolence. Truth to say, Mercury was rather afraid that in his rage Nep would have a shy at him with the trident. The latter, however, soon recovered his equanimity, and, smiling at the idea of mortals navigating his realms, he dived to the bottom of the sea, and gave Amphitrite a blowing up for not having his lobscouse ready. Mercury, however, was a determined fellow, and did not intend that the matter should rest there, or his threat go for nought. His blood was up and revenge he would have. "Anchor me," he muttered; "wait a bit, my old Trojan, and I'll astonish your weak nerves for you." And thus speaking he skimmed the air with a velocity that would have defied an express train, until he arrived in a charming promontory in the Archipelago. Suddenly arresting his headlong course, he discovered a youthful chawbacon gazing with longing eyes on the delicious fruits and foliage of a small island distant only a few hundred yards from the mainland. Assuming the appearance and guise of a native, Mercury approached the young man, and entered into conversation with him; and finally demanded what he was looking at so earnestly. "Why," said the youth, "I was looking at those clustering fruits hanging on the vines on yonder island. Year follows year, and the fruits are plentiful and luscious on that small bit of land, but no one ever gathers them. The birds of the air alone feed on them, and what is left decays. Here none grow. Oh, how I wish I was a bird. What a blow out of grapes I'd have." "Would you like to have a feast of those fruits?" asked Mercury. "Oh, wouldn't I," was the reply. "But then the difficulty is to get them." "Nothing easier," answered Mercury, and so saying, he set to work, and, as to the gods nothing is impossible, he soon cut down a large sized tree, scooped it out hollow, and shaped a very respectable log canoe from it. "Now," said he to the rustic, "look alive, my chickabiddy, and help me shove this machine into the water." "What for?" was the answer. "Never mind; shove away, and you'll see." The rude craft by their united efforts was soon launched, and Mercury having hewn out a pair of paddles, desired the young man to "jump aboard," which he did immediately, giving utterance to his delight at the novel contrivance, and at the undoubted cleverness of his newly found companion. Under Mercury's skilful hand it did not take long to reach the island, and the rustic leaped out, followed by Mercury and both were speedily employed in gratifying their taste for fruit which here was both abundant and of the finest kind. Satiated at length, the youth called to his friend saying it was time to get back and intimating that he had enough of it. "Well," said Mercury, "come along. But, I say, are you not going to take some to your friends." "Bless me," said the other, "what a chap you be. I'd never a thought o' that." "Oh," said the disguised deity, “and you might pick a whole lot and then carry them to-mor row morning to the next town and sell them. You might become rich in no time.” "To be sure," was the reply. So he and Mercury set to work, and soon loaded the canoe with purple grapes and other fruits which there abounded, and then started for the other shore which they were not long in reaching. Here, as soon as the craft touched ground, Mercury quickly vanished, and the rustic, who was busily engaged in loading himself with fruit, never remarked his absence for some time, and then contented himself with wondering where he had gone to. Mercury, however, was sure of his plan. He was certain that this seed cast on the waters would produce fruit in time. The speculation proved so successful that the young farmer paid repeated visits to the little island until he grew rich, and as is invariably the case under similar circumstances, his neighbors became envious of his wealth, and sought out the secret. This was not long in being discovered; and as men and monkeys are imitative animals, canoes of a similar shape were made, though decidedly inferior to the article which Mercury had turned out of hand. The little island in a few years was quite insufficient to supply the demands that were made upon it, and the adventurous spec ulators were compelled to go a greater distance and visit more remote islands in search of a supply of the fruit in such great request. Under the protection of Mercury they all grew rich,and, as habit engenders courage of a certain kind, and being bolder grown, a number of these mariners, under the guidance of one Jason, an experienced fellow, resolved to undertake a voyage for what I can't exactly say, 'twas a species of fillibustering, somewhat on the Cuban expedition style, designing to fleece every one who came in their way. At length all was ready. Mercury had been making love to one of the zephyrs, and she furnished a favoring breeze, in fact gave a regular blow out to the God and his protegés. Neptune, although up to the present moment he had been quiet, had not been ignorant of the manoeuvres that had been set on foot by his opponent Mercury to endeavor to dispossess him of his kingdom, but now that these audacious mariners for the first time dared invade his realms by coming fairly on the sea, out of sight of land, his indignation knew no bounds, his very beard curled with wrath, and summoning all his array of monsters, a very fishy looking set they were too, he desired them to make ready to execute his orders, and prepared himself for a terrible revenge, such as should strike terror into the minds of all future generations of mortals, and deter them from ever attempting the like sacrilege. cane. As evening set in the wind arose, gradually increasing towards midnight to a perfect hurriThe huge waves curled their fierce crests round the devoted ship and licked its bright sides like a tiger or serpent gloating over its prey. The monsters of the deep, tritons and mermaids, whales and leviathans, laughed aloud in hideous chorus, rejoicing over the terror stricken wretches on board, who now cast down with despair and fright, implored the protection of their tutelar Deity, Mercury, to save them from their impending fate. Old Neptune himself looked grimly on, like some barbarian prince superintending the impalement of some wretched citizens who had resisted his authority. In frantic haste, seeing the crisis approaching, Mercury flung himself at the feet of Jove and begged his interference on behalf of his victims. "Their lives, their lives," was all he asked, and the earnestness of his prayer gained him his request. Jove nodded assent, and Mercury flew to communicate the decree to Neptune, whom he found in the situation just described. On imparting the intelligence that Jove had forbidden his destroying their lives, Neptune started with ire. "Not die" he burst forth, "not die. These insolent dogs who have bearded me to my face before all my subjects-not die? Am not I king of the sea and who shall dispute my rights? Let Jove confine himself to affairs of Earth and Heaven. Why should he meddle in mine? Not die? Well, be it so! They shall not die since the thunderer has so decreed," and here he smiled bitterly, "but they shall wish for death to relieve them from their torments. Their limbs shall fail them, their bones shall ache, and their joints crack, their heads shall reel, and an overpowering nausea shall destroy them. They shall not die but," he cursed; "every one that dares invade my realms, I curse with sea-sickness," and so he left the devoted crew in that predicament. So ends my story, boys, and now we had better set the watch, make all snug for the night, and then turn in. WHO'LL CUT HIS NAILS.-Fortunately some daring Chiropodist has been cutting the nails of the tiger in the menagerie at Hull. The operation was successfully performed, and the animal has been much quieter ever since. Now we wish some one would take the Russian Bear in hand, and achieve a similar feat (no pun intended) with his lately, and the consequence is, that he has been nails. They have been getting dreadfully long wishing to come up to the scratch in all directions. It is time they were cut; for the wretched beast goes howling about in a great rage, being evidently on a false footing, and in great pain from the awkwardness of his position. It is evident he will do injury either to himself, or to any one who happens to go near him, if some powerful remedy interesting the attention of both England and is not quickly applied. The case is at present France; and we hope in a short period to be able to announce the pleasing fact, that ail the difficulties in the way have been effectually removed, and that at last the Russian Bear has had his nails cut! The sooner this great chiropodic event takes place, the better; for lately the unfortunate beast has been making such a dreadful noise, that he has quite disturbed the peace of Europe. that wearing the hat is very injurious to the hair. If this is true, Quakers ought to be the baldest of men, for they keep their hats on longer than any one else, and yet we know several Quakers who ladies are not likely to lose their hair from any have very good heads of hair. At all events, similar cause, considering the present fashion of wearing the bonnet completely off the head. A BALD INVENTION.-Mr. Rowland informs us VALENTINE Sent by a Gentleman to a Lady, and supposed to have been written on the 18th of February. I am no seer, oh Lady fair I've not talents, I must say To be called a Valentine. In prose it's been stated as well as in rhyme, That the period of courtship's a most pleasant time: An introduction obtain, at her father's make calls, Ask her to sing and dance with her at balls, The suspense all removed and the two hearts made one, If the "course of true love does not now smooth ly run," The thought, then, at least that that figure so slight, That complexion so fair, and those eyes full of light, Those tresses so smooth, and that delicate cheek, Where the red and the white play at hide and go seek, And the hands soft and warm which with free offered grasp, We now in our own can so tenderly clasp, With other delights to paint which would take hours, Both now and forever we hope will be ours, Is a pleasure so great that we are forced to declare, There is none on the earth that can with it com pare. But suppose that it happens the Lady so sweet, The question we put, with refusal does meet, Which dashes at once all our hopes to the earth, And makes us think to live longer is not of much worth; We cannot deny that much pleasure we've had While preferring our suit though the issue was sad. By it too, some little experience we gain, When the young God of Love,-for he always That when those of my own sex have fallen in |